Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
