I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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