i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
