Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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