I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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