i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
