does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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