Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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