My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
