he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
