The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
