i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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