Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
