He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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