Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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