worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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