I cannot find my penis.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
