He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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