if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
