I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
