i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
