This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
