the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
