you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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