I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
