I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
