maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
