The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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