I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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