it was like his penis was on wheels.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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