Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
