Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
