i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
