I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
