i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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