i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
