Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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