well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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