apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
