Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
