In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
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I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome