Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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