I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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