theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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