Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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