I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
