Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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