Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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