your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
