What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
