I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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