benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
