All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
