I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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