I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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