Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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