i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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