Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
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Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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