dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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