Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
