Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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